Intro. Needed

- Grew up shy, pretty humble overall and not liking or appreciating any attention. Made me uncomfortable. I was big then, with rolls of fat and man-tits.

- High school. Lost a ton of weight in a very unhealthy way taking Dexatrim. Kept a journal of what I ate, always wanting to go lower and lower with my calorie count. Bottomed out around 350 calories per day and stayed there for about 2 weeks. I think the crash diet encompassed about 3 and a half weeks total. I remember being light-headed and on the verge of passing out just about every day. I was a sophomore in high school.

One thing that stands out as food during that time - 1 slice of bread and 1 slice of salami for lunch at school. I think i also used to eat a small can of tuna in water and sometimes a Dannon yogurt. I have no idea how many calories that equals right now but it isn't much. Breakfast was cottage cheese. I would weigh the amount and can't remember what was acceptable. Sometimes I would put raisins on it and sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes it would be garden style cottage cheeseand have tiny, hard chunks of vegetable in it, sometimes pineapples. I think dinner was a little of whatever was served for the night or nothing at all. I don't remember dinner being anything special. I only really remember breakfast and lunch. And throughout this whole time, I would hit the weights at night at home.

- There was a time at a school play, I think it was 8th grade, where I was hanging out with my best friend. I was 13 or 14 at the time, a couple of years before I lost the weight. My friend had boasted to me several times bout the girls he'd kissed and to date, I had not locked lips with anyone.

We were at the school play and running around inside the school, running for some reason, whatever it was. I can't remember. There probably wasn't even a reason. I was running because my best friend was running and he was running mainly because it was important to BE running, for some reason from nowhere to nowhere, I imagine.

Rick ran. I ran. It was Beta trailing Alpha.

The reason this sticks out in my mind is because we ran by a cluster of girls that night, one of which I was enamored with. She was, as far as I was concerned, the girl upon which all other girls had to measurethemselves. she was, to me, proof that heaven and earth did indeed merge in small doses, that God would triumph over the devil, that THE reason to live trumped a pointedly vapid existence, even though I have no idea what that means.

Anyway, one time when we ran by them (I guess we were really just running in circles around the gymnasium), I thought they called out to me, that SHE called out to me.

"Hey!", she said and I stopped running to face her. Rick kept running, oblivious to the amazing thing that had just happened to me and I felt some pressure to keep up with him, running to points unknown because he was my best friend and that's what best friends do. Apparently, she was pretty oblivious to the incredible thing that had just happened to me also, that of her calling out to me, because it took a moment for her eyes to lock onto mine and at that moment, I had to let her know how I felt, had to let her know how captivating she was, how enchanting and I had to do it quick because Rick was getting away, running farther with each passing second and even though I could have cut across the gym to catch up with him, it seemed so incredibly important to follow suit, mainly because that's what you did at 13 with your best friend, even though she was now staring at me and I was staring at her and my heart was thumping beneath my man-tits and fat rolls, I did what any sophisticated, suave and sultry seductor would do - I lifted my fist into the air sideways and extended my thumb upwards, a la Fonzie. Not nearly enough to show my attraction, I coupled it with a stern expression so she would understand the depth of attraction and why I stopped in the midst of my... what? Mission? Outing? Running? I still don't know what we were doing. Something serious. Running after my friendwho had now put a decent distance between us, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I'd stopped.

There are very few things in life where one's idiocy becomes glaringly obvious to the point where it should be displayed on a billboard, just to complete the massive thundering into oblivion of one's ego. This was one of those times. For me.

My friend was gone. I'd just given the girl of my every fantasy the Fonzie sign and I watched with a sinking sensation in my gut as she first looked shocked, as though a small electrical charge suddenly jolted her and then turned as if in slow motion toward the friend to her side. It dawned on me then that what i'd aken for a locking of the eyes was nothing more than a mistake and that her friend had a look on her face like she'd just tasted something foul. And then it started. They laughed. They laughed so hard.

She hadn't called to me, probably hadn't even noticed me running blindly to and fro, aside from the fact my fat was no doubt bouncing hither and yon. and now she was laughing, at me. Her friend was laughing at me too. We were no longer meeting eyes, there was no connection and it was perfectly clear. I was a fat kid with boy-tits and I was a fuckin' dork. There was nothing to offer in this early stage of sexual attraction other than a dart board and she'd hit the bullseye.

I made the decision to not be fat anymore prettyy soon after that.

Altogether, I lost close to 40 pounds in just under a month. Also, during all of this, I was hitting the weights, like I said before and when i finally decided to quit the starvation diet that was dropping chunks of fat from my frame, I was ripped and buff and believed I was ready to start my life anew, despite the fact I'd been damaged in a way that carries through sometimes even today.

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I guess this was my earliest memory of getting "shot down", even though I wasn't really shot down. It was more like I stood there and pulled a gun on myself.

Dork.