15 years.

The 20th was my 15th wedding anniversary. It did little more than reinforce the relative hell of a life I'm living...

Trish worked all day and I was with the kids. That part was actually ok. I have no complaints about that. I even went to the store at one point and got meatballs, spaghetti and sauce and made dinner. The kids dug it and I enjoyed the meal. Even Trish liked it when she got home.

The plan for the night was to go see the Pawsox game with a bunch of Trish's family. Something about that bothered me but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was until yesterday. So, here it is, in a nutshell but before I get into it, I want to put this disclaimer up:

I like my in-laws. I like them a lot. In fact, there really aren't any people on Trish's side of the family that I dislike. I don't mind spending time with them, they're all pretty fun and relaxing to be around and when you get right down to it, they're good to my kids, love them and it shows. They're not the problem, at least not the direct one.

I spent the better part of 2 days running around, trying to find a gift for Trish for our anniversary. I looked it up online - proper gifts to give for 15 years. Traditional gifts for 15 = crystal. Modern = watch and a third suggestion is a trip somewhere. Ok. It just so happens I'd already given Trish a watch earlier in the year and just recently surprised her with enough money for her to take a trip to Paris, so she could visit Carolyn. That left crystal and let me tell you something - trying to find a crystal selection of anything is like trying to pull teeth with a broken pair of pliers and no anesthetic. I went everywhere and was finally directed to Macy's Home Store. They did have a nice selection, so I got a picture frame which inspired me to put together a small amalgam of wedding and present-day pictures. I wrapped it up nice with bows and all that shit - I was like a woman preparing this thing for her. And you know what? It was nice. I liked it and so did she.

She got me a card of 2 people arm wrestling and a one-line I love you inside. Yeah, ok. Whatever. I'm not materialistic or a tit-for-tat kind of person but there just wasn't any consideration put into the card. There just wasn't. 15 years = arm wrestling. I'm not going to say the metaphor was completely inappropriate or wrong - but c'mon.

Next, I have an allergy that has developed over time here in Massachusetts. I spend a month, roughly, coughing and hacking my brains out. It happens to me 2 or 3 times a year and therefore, spend 3+ months a year with an uncontrollable cough. It makes my head hurt, pulls muscles in my back and keeps me up, not to mention my stomach hurts and I wouldn't be surprised if I got a hernia from it. The only good thing is, my abs get tight every time I get it. It's like a constant abdominal workout. That's been going on now for the past 2+ weeks and it's driving me bat-shit crazy. And to top it off, flu season is only a couple of months away so it's likely gonna come back again. I fuckin' hate it and my head is pounding from so much coughing even now while I write this and I imagine I'll eventually stroke out. Hopefully, that'll kill me straight up and she can collect my life insurance and move on. I can't deal with the possibility of stroking out and being a vegetable, left to have others deal with me and my care. In Massachusetts, where I don't want to be anyway.

I want out of Massachusetts. I want out. Winter is right around the corner and that's going to kill a little more of me inside.

But let's get back to my anniversary, shall we? 15 years.

Trish and her family arranged a get together to go to the Pawsox game and they tie-dyed a bunch of shirts in the same colors so we would be a cohesive unit at the stadium. The game was fun and it was good to see everyone - I got to see Doug who I respect quite a bit and that was good because I hadn't seen him in some time. However, something sat in the back of my mind the whole night and this was it:

- 15 year anniversary and I spent it with Trish and her family. In a way it's bitterly appropriate because when I married her, I really did marry her family because they have been the driving force behind where I'm forced to live.

- The thought of suggesting we spend our 15 year anniversary with my parents or my family ... I can only imagine her self-righteous indignation at the thought.

- I wonder why we didn't leave the kids with her parents for the game while we went to see The Hangover or something else. Or maybe went out for a drink. Something.

- But then again, what are we really celebrating? She's got what she wants out of life and what do I have? I have a job I go to every day to earn money to pay the bills; I have a lot of anger; I have a great gym and I have an undying want to get the fuck out of this state.

- And I have my kids. - When you get right down to it, that's what's keeping me here for real, isn't it?

So, yeah. Trish didn't come home last night and it really was for the best. I didn't want to see her. I'm not even sure I really want to see her tonight. The lucky piece of that is I'm at work until 11 and I have to be back here at 7a.m. I'm just going home to sleep for a few hours. I'm gonna try and stay until 11 tomorrow also.

And to top it off, Nick is acting up some these past couple of days. I think we'd do well to head off on our own and try to talk on Tuesday when I have some time off. I didn't like the way Trish laughed at him yesterday when he tried to explain his side of whatever was going on - oh, when he said he thought Trish treated the girls differently (better) than she treats him. The funny thing about that was - I think I agree with him.

I'm not happy. I want out of here. And neither of those sentences coincides with my responsibility as a father.

Happy 15th Anniversary.