15 years.

The 20th was my 15th wedding anniversary. It did little more than reinforce the relative hell of a life I'm living...

Trish worked all day and I was with the kids. That part was actually ok. I have no complaints about that. I even went to the store at one point and got meatballs, spaghetti and sauce and made dinner. The kids dug it and I enjoyed the meal. Even Trish liked it when she got home.

The plan for the night was to go see the Pawsox game with a bunch of Trish's family. Something about that bothered me but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was until yesterday. So, here it is, in a nutshell but before I get into it, I want to put this disclaimer up:

I like my in-laws. I like them a lot. In fact, there really aren't any people on Trish's side of the family that I dislike. I don't mind spending time with them, they're all pretty fun and relaxing to be around and when you get right down to it, they're good to my kids, love them and it shows. They're not the problem, at least not the direct one.

I spent the better part of 2 days running around, trying to find a gift for Trish for our anniversary. I looked it up online - proper gifts to give for 15 years. Traditional gifts for 15 = crystal. Modern = watch and a third suggestion is a trip somewhere. Ok. It just so happens I'd already given Trish a watch earlier in the year and just recently surprised her with enough money for her to take a trip to Paris, so she could visit Carolyn. That left crystal and let me tell you something - trying to find a crystal selection of anything is like trying to pull teeth with a broken pair of pliers and no anesthetic. I went everywhere and was finally directed to Macy's Home Store. They did have a nice selection, so I got a picture frame which inspired me to put together a small amalgam of wedding and present-day pictures. I wrapped it up nice with bows and all that shit - I was like a woman preparing this thing for her. And you know what? It was nice. I liked it and so did she.

She got me a card of 2 people arm wrestling and a one-line I love you inside. Yeah, ok. Whatever. I'm not materialistic or a tit-for-tat kind of person but there just wasn't any consideration put into the card. There just wasn't. 15 years = arm wrestling. I'm not going to say the metaphor was completely inappropriate or wrong - but c'mon.

Next, I have an allergy that has developed over time here in Massachusetts. I spend a month, roughly, coughing and hacking my brains out. It happens to me 2 or 3 times a year and therefore, spend 3+ months a year with an uncontrollable cough. It makes my head hurt, pulls muscles in my back and keeps me up, not to mention my stomach hurts and I wouldn't be surprised if I got a hernia from it. The only good thing is, my abs get tight every time I get it. It's like a constant abdominal workout. That's been going on now for the past 2+ weeks and it's driving me bat-shit crazy. And to top it off, flu season is only a couple of months away so it's likely gonna come back again. I fuckin' hate it and my head is pounding from so much coughing even now while I write this and I imagine I'll eventually stroke out. Hopefully, that'll kill me straight up and she can collect my life insurance and move on. I can't deal with the possibility of stroking out and being a vegetable, left to have others deal with me and my care. In Massachusetts, where I don't want to be anyway.

I want out of Massachusetts. I want out. Winter is right around the corner and that's going to kill a little more of me inside.

But let's get back to my anniversary, shall we? 15 years.

Trish and her family arranged a get together to go to the Pawsox game and they tie-dyed a bunch of shirts in the same colors so we would be a cohesive unit at the stadium. The game was fun and it was good to see everyone - I got to see Doug who I respect quite a bit and that was good because I hadn't seen him in some time. However, something sat in the back of my mind the whole night and this was it:

- 15 year anniversary and I spent it with Trish and her family. In a way it's bitterly appropriate because when I married her, I really did marry her family because they have been the driving force behind where I'm forced to live.

- The thought of suggesting we spend our 15 year anniversary with my parents or my family ... I can only imagine her self-righteous indignation at the thought.

- I wonder why we didn't leave the kids with her parents for the game while we went to see The Hangover or something else. Or maybe went out for a drink. Something.

- But then again, what are we really celebrating? She's got what she wants out of life and what do I have? I have a job I go to every day to earn money to pay the bills; I have a lot of anger; I have a great gym and I have an undying want to get the fuck out of this state.

- And I have my kids. - When you get right down to it, that's what's keeping me here for real, isn't it?

So, yeah. Trish didn't come home last night and it really was for the best. I didn't want to see her. I'm not even sure I really want to see her tonight. The lucky piece of that is I'm at work until 11 and I have to be back here at 7a.m. I'm just going home to sleep for a few hours. I'm gonna try and stay until 11 tomorrow also.

And to top it off, Nick is acting up some these past couple of days. I think we'd do well to head off on our own and try to talk on Tuesday when I have some time off. I didn't like the way Trish laughed at him yesterday when he tried to explain his side of whatever was going on - oh, when he said he thought Trish treated the girls differently (better) than she treats him. The funny thing about that was - I think I agree with him.

I'm not happy. I want out of here. And neither of those sentences coincides with my responsibility as a father.

Happy 15th Anniversary.

It's settled.

So, ABC news came in to film me again today - I guess that means I'm in. I still have qualms regarding my practice, showcasing it anyway - that of my own insecurities. That's been a constant throughout my life and it's not about to change anytime soon. A varying degree of insecurity has plagued me throughout life related to just about anything and everything surrounding me - but I've done my own self-work and for the most part, am able to handle it. Whatever.

I'm sure it'll be fine. I just have to keep in mind the first and foremost priority, of course - that of patient care. Cuz when push comes to shove, this thing isn't about me, it's about the people who come here seeking care. I'm more of an engine to help make that possible - not the vehicle itself driving the main story.

Odd.

ABC camera came in to follow me on Wednesday. Alex was the name of the man behind the camera and he taped me throughout patient interactions, interventions, interviews, etc. There were only two patients willing to be filmed that day - but Alex said before he left that if I saw him again, I should be prepared to see a lot of him. If not, so be it. Either one is fine with me.

The basic implication of this is simple - if he or any of the producers decide to use me in the documentary, I'll be on TV showcasing my trade.

The bigger picture is - if they decide to use me, I become a default poster boy / spokesman for MGH Acute level Psychiatry.

It was odd being on camera, odd having it wherever I went, recording everything I said or did. Of course this being my relative first time, I was nowhere near the top of my game. Such is life. It will take a little getting used to. That's life. And if they do decide to keep coming, I'll no doubt learn to operate as though it doesn't exist, over time.

I have a good degree of confidance in my work. It's not perfect, same as I'm not, same as the people I care for aren't. Dealing with people in crisis will never reveal a "perfect" situation. But it will be important to show that when someone turns to MGH - or to psychiatry in general - that there are people available who are willing and able to listen, empathize, ground and keep safe, those who are unable to manage such pieces of their life on their own.

We'll see how it goes.

Fast and furious.

I'm the only nurse in APS today and the patients have been coming fast and furious. Of note, I've got a doctor (old, somewhat psychotic fellow) and a lawyer (angry, sarcastic and somewhat disgruntled) as patients.

The doc's here because he went into the FBI building seeking a job - he told them he was stabilized on his medication - and they were like, "Yeah, ok. We're gonna send you to the E.R.".

And the lawyer showed up for a depression study, began to wax poetic about how badly he elt and ouala - here he is.

Both of them are decent enough folk and I've worked with the old doc before.

Plus, I've got a gay, HIV + meth user, a kid from New Hampshire and a psychotic man who thinks the world is literally out to get him. Well rounded APS.

Almost there

So, yesterday I was out for a walk with my family and we wandered through a condo area. At one point, I noticed several young females entering a condo for what looked like a party about to go down - and for the first time, I wondered about my age. I didn't have the curiosity or the nostalgia related to the thought of "starting out" in an apartment or the idea of jumping right into the party scene inside that condo. Or maybe it's an apartment. I don't know.

It hit me as I walked away and the door closed, that yes indeed I am strting to get old. Always in the past my mind would enjoy the memory of just starting out, a new place, a new apartment, new opportunities and the freedom of just moving out to start my own life. And on top of that, the awesomeness of having people in for some celebration any time I wanted. Youth, booze and fun.

And I'm just about 40. Heh.

Imagine that?

You're Not Supportive At All

Wow.

That one hit me out of nowhere. One of my sisters-in-law made it clear to me a long time ago that my wife's family would cease visiting us if we moved out of state - we were contemplating a move to New Hampshire at the time - and my wife dismissed it as a misunderstanding, saying her family would visit and that her sister was just being dramatic. That I didn't understand. That didn't stop me from throwing her out of my house, though.

And now tonight, my younger sister-in-law, the one I thought was a bit more "with it", dropped the phrase above on me when I said I really wanted out of this state, to move away and get away from Massachusetts. I even said I would leave and seek joint custody, the kids being able to split their time between me and trish. And then carolyn dropped that little gem on me. Took me by surprise then and I haven't been able to shake it since.

Not supportive.

I suppose the 4 years Trish wanted to tay at home and be a full time mom, forcing me (more or less) into 50 + hour weeks in order to pay the bills wasn't being supportive. I suppose encouraging Trish to make and keep all contacts with her family and friends here in MA has not been supportive. I guess not interfering with Trish's religious beliefs and bending to accept them in a sense so that the kids don't wonder why I'm not a religious man is a fault of non-supportiveness. i guess freely allowing her family to get involved without impedence falls into the non-supportive category.

"You're not supportive at all", she said.

"What do you mean?", i said. "Not supportive of what?"

"Trish.", she said, as they pulled on their coats to head out to the movies. Ironically, I'd left work so they could go out, despite the fact i could have earned some OT tonight, as little as there is these days. I left against my better judgement to come home so Trish could go out with carolyn tonight.

not supportive? Just what the fuck does "supportive" mean?

Sometimes, i really wonder whether or not the allowance of females to stay home, manage the family money and then bash men for going out to earn a living - essentially earning their keep via raising kids who spend the majority of their time in school, hanging out with their friends or talking on the phone, banging through some housework and an occassional spread of the legs - is worth it.

Not supportive at all? That stung me. i really thought Carolyn was above that shit.

Night Shift

I'm supposed to work one week of night shifts per month. That was part of my job description when I started here. As I age, though - bouncing back from them gets harder and harder. It's not so much that I have a hard time stying awake during the night. Not at all. I can still go all night if / when the moment calls for it. No problem. What gets me is the ride home in the morning, the lack of sleep I wind up with following a few of these shifts and the ever-lengthening time it takes to reset my internal workings.

- sigh -

I can't believe I haven't touched this thing since Jackie's dance. That's crazy. he blog itself seemed like such a good and fun idea when I started it and now, after almost a year ha gone by with a handful of entries to count down my final year before turning 40, I have to say - I pretty much suck at keeping up with a promise I made to myself. And the worst part is - there's a shitload of life stuff going on day after day that would make for a decent memory-type, digital scrapbook. What am I doing?

We found a water leak today. I woke up at one point this afternoon to the sound of something either dripping of falling on the cover of a library book on the floor. Dry, intermittent snapping of something hitting the cellophane cover. I looked up and there it was - 4 beads of water lined up on a crack in the ceiling paint.

Trish and I went into the attic to find the source and we found the water leak. Now, the question really boils down to how serious it is and what we need to do about it. She was able to brace a bowl beneath it to catch the drips, as infrequent as they were, but we're gonna need it looked at.

Snowflake Dance '09

Butterfly Kisses
by Bob Carlisle

There's two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she's
daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her
hair; "Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
In all that I've done wrong I know I must
have done something right to deserve a hug
every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking
little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you
don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong I must have done
something right to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not
sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"

Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have
done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly
kisses-I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.

All lyrics are property and copyright of their owners.
All lyrics provided for educational purposes only.

------------------------

Gets me every time.

A new day.

Obama was sworn in yesterday as the 44th President of the United States. For many, it was a day of celebration, the likes of which I don't remember seeing at any point in the recent past. I think, overall, people were celebrating the end of Bush's terms in office moreso than Obama's rise to the position of president, mainly because no one really knows anything about him- aside from his church, his ties to Bill Ayers, his 138 votes of 'Present' in the Senate, etc. And if it's FOR those things people are celebrating, that's pretty fucked up.

My son got to watch the inauguration at school and he was pretty impressed. i wasn't sure how I felt about the schools showing the ceremony, but in the end history is history and regardless of anything else - Obama is indeed the first black president elected in our country, the first person not white to lead the country. Hopefully, he'll provide some modicum of legacy aside from that overall paltry distinction. If that's all he walks away with 4 years from now, what a waste.

That said, he's got a monumental task ahead in terms of firming up our crumbling country. Economy, terrorism, infrastructure, in-fighting, severe partisanship, illegal immigration, nuclear proliferation, etc. I imagine there's no way he'll be able to settle all scores but even if he makes headway, that'll be a positive first step. I wish him well on those points and fear for what he will do with others. As it stands, his main objective is to open my bank account and remove more money. On that point, I hope he fails.

The day is January 21. One day following the inauguration. I have to say, if nothing else, there's a lighter sense of life today than there was 2 days ago and maybe, when you get right down to it, that's a piece of the psychological pie that needs to be taken into account. If people FEEL like things are better, there's always the chance that they will behave as such and in turn, force the pieces of everyday living around them to coincide with their perception. Tht's ok and we'll see how long it lasts. What we've been hearing on the news is that the world "celebrated" Obama's election, even if that means nothing more than a nod of their head in that another Republican wasn't elected. To that I say, who gives a fuck? I could care less what the world feels about my president. They have their own problems to take care of - stay out of ours. Global, one world people my ass.

Aside from that, I started writing again which is helpful. Nick called me at work yesterday to talk about the inauguration. I enjoyed that talk, which again made it ok that the school allowed them to watch. Trish and I have a date on Friday. I've got the kids tomorrow and then I'm gonna head out for a few drinks with my work peeps. And Jackie's Snowflake Dance is Saturday - Daddy / Daughter.

Hopefully, I'll drop a few words sooner rather than later.

New Year

It's January 2, technically - even though I'm at work and just decided to try and get a post in for the new year. I worked yesterday until 11 p.m. and didn't make it to Tara and Bob's house until after midnight. It was the first time I wasn't in front of a TV, I think when the ball came down (aside from the 1 time I was in bed) and I watched the time on my cell phone change from 11:59 to 12:00.

Happy New Year.

It doesn't really feel like it.

I got to the Murphy household around 12:30 and immediately poured myself a drink. Actually, I poured myself the drink in the car at the T station around 12:05. Ring in the new year in style, B. Bob cooked up a bunch of ribs for me that were initially cooked by Erich. So that shit was good. Whiskey and meat.

I got to hang out with Bob Murphy and Bob Sinclaire. Also, Caroline and Erich, that Erin girl and Tara. Oh, Brian Ellis and Anissa were there too. Brian and Anissa took off at some point soon after I came. Bob M. went to bed around 1 because he figured he'd be getting up with Colleen in the morning - which he did. And Erich left to sleep in a hotel while Caroline stayed behind to sleep at Tara's. Odd, but ok. I never got to see Trish.

Bob S. and I stayed up the latest - Caroline also, I guess - and I watched Lockup: San Quentin on MSNBC until around 3 a.m. before closing my eyes to sleep. I got up at 8 a.m. and left to let the dog out before turning in to sleep again.

Happy New Year.

And now I'm doing the first of 2 night shifts before I have 3 days off. This weekend, I'm set to rearrange my bedroom so I can start putting together a plan of action related to my New Year's Resolutions. And thet brings me to the list of them - yes, I have a bunch. Just to be fair, I usually dont make resolutions because I have no intention of keeping them - but I have wants in terms of fixing and solidifying my life at this point and I want to make a go at tightening up some loose ends.

New Year Resolutions 2009

1.) 5 short stories.
2.) A new book.
3.) Firearm permit / license to carry.
4.) Extra time wih kids - special days with Nick, Jackie and Grace.
5.) 1 date per month with Trish.
6.) Get out to see a few shows - with brian - Motley Crue.
7.) Write 1 letter per month to family - every one.
8.) Martial arts training - Israeli S.D.
9.) Get out for weekend with Vic over the Summer.
10.) Reconnect with Pueschel; Spend some time with Provencher.
11.) Get away from internet - same as TV.
12.) Light more fires in the backyard for time with family.
13.) Find Anger Management / Temper Control book and READ IT - share it with Nick, if possible.
- Work on anger.
- Work on temper. - your rage fuels the behavior you're trying to control.

That's what i wrote the other night at Peking Garden while downing a few drinks and I appreciate what I put dowm. In fact, having written this just now, I'm gonna Google books on anger management and controlling my temper.

Happy New Year.