Christmas

My alarm went off this morning at 4:40 a.m. and I snapped it off, more by reflex than anything else. Then I lay in bed, wondering why it had gone off. I'd completely forgotten I had to work today - and the best part is, I didn't drink yesterday aside from a couple glasses of wine and let's fac it... that's nothing. I was just dog-tired and apparently, sleeping well so it took a bit for my brain to come around. When I finally realized I had to get up and that the alarm was legit, I got out of bed to start the day.

Two days off preceeded this, though. I had Christmas Eve day and Christmas off this year. I'm not sure when I got to spend the last Christmas holiday at home with my family. Maybe two years ago? Three? I really can't remember.

It was a good day, though. Trish and I actually made it through the day without fighting for more than about 25 seconds. Merry Christmas.

The kids had a blast and I think they were all happy with the gifts they got. Jackie asked me if I really believed in Santa Claus somewhere late into the night, which was odd but inevitable, of course. I can't tell if Nick still believes, although I suspect he does and Grace - little Grace - she's still ensconced within the Santa trance, lock stock and barrel.

Christmas part 2 is coming for them on Sunday when we wake up in New Jersey. My mother has already informed them that Santa dropped a few things off at her house. Way to go, Ma.

Trish loved the diamond earrings I got for her and the photo albums were a staple-hit. Trish's gifts for me actually brought me some happiness this year - not that I'm a fuss-budget, but I just don't get much "joy" overall from getting gifts. I have a much better time watching people open theirs and like a parasite, absorb my joy from basking in theirs. That sounds gay but whatever. It's just the way it is for me, usually.

Trish got me some good shit, though this year. A 1-hour massage at a massage place. This'll be my first ever massage and I'm looking forward to it. I got a Tom Tom GPS, which is kick ass. And she's gonna get me a digital camera after January 1, so Erich can use his discount. That's bad ass, the whole package.

We were up about 7 a.m., let the kids open their stockings in our bed 'til around 7:15 and then went downstairs for the main haul. The kids enjoyed each present they opened and all told, we were finished somewhere around 8:30. That's a lot of presents. And I really don't think any of them were ranked as a dud. Even the clothes they got were appreciated. I went back upstairs at 8:30 for a nap (cuz I still felt a little hung over) and slept 'til near 11:30. At that point I was wide awake and ready for the day. Amazing what a little Gatorade, a vitamin and a couple extra hours of sleep can accomplish.

We left for the Wiggins' house around 12:30 and really had a deent day there. Everyone got along rather well, all told but as luck and life would have it, quite a few people were [acked into their home and much alcohol flowed throughout the day and sure enough - some sparks flew by the end of our night out.

I had a good time chatting it up with George, Erich's brother-in-law - actually, I guess I'm Erich's brother-in-law also being that he's married to Trish's sister - and I even had a good time chatting with Pat, Erich's mother. I think George is a seriously good guy and I appreciated listening to him yesterday. I actually had fun debating the No Child Left Behind program with Pat, although "debate" is a loosely used word in this context. Pat has a set belief when it comes to her mindset on the issue and there's no swaying her from that belief. In a way, she's a lot like my grandmother from my mother's side. She was the same way - set in her way when it came to expressing an opinion and fuck all who try to poke at it from a diffeent angle. It was hard to get my side of the discussion in but I did. And in the end, we had a good dinner-time chat. All the while, Tara kept piping in with her comments, "Can we talk about something else?" - even though she wasn't part of the discussion; "I think we might have to separate these two." - another asinine pipe-in from the land of non-sequitir; "I'm not being a snob but can you talk about something else? I don't know anything about what you're talking about." - fine, then shut then fuck up cuz you weren't part of the discussion anyway.

Yeah. The reality of that situation is - she could feel the peck of heated tension involved in our discussion, a good heated tension - and she felt it was her duty to insert herself to try and take control of her own perceived situation. She got under my skin yesterday.

The star of the program was DiDi, though. She took the cake. All told, she seemed to have a decent night right up to the time where her daughter needed to go home. It was late somewhere around 9 p.m. And yes, I know, 9's not late but for her daughter who is 4, that's late. Same as it was for my kids and if it wasn't Trish's family, we would have left already. Anyway, Elizabeth was heading home and Pat was chosen to drive because everyone else had been enjoying the bottles of wine. George got in with Elizabeth and I went out to move my car since Bob was getting ready to leave with his kids also. DiDi made it almost to their car when she stopped and saw that her daughter was no longer crying - she'd pitched a fit about leaving because she and Grace were having such a good time together - when she turned to me and asked me if I thought she needed to get in the car and go home. I told her it wasn't my say and she looked at her car again, saw them (George and Elizabeth) having fun in the backseat and decided she was going to stay. That was that. Pat pulled out, followed by me and then Bob pulled his car into the street. And that's when things started to get interesting.

DiDi kept drinking and after a while, it became pretty obvious she had a way of setting her sights dead ahead with the blinders on, just like her mother. DiDi, however, made it personal. And the biggest piece of that had to do with Tim and Meredith's dog, Keating.

The family played charades, something Trish's family is wont to do when there's a big get together. It's kinda fun but I usually don't play. It's probably a vanity thing but I just feel awkward getting up in front of people and acting shit out. Reality dictates that no one could give two shits what I do in front of everyone but well, yeah. It's a vanity thing. I need to get over myself. Anyway, back to the showdown.

Tim brought his dog to the house, a big 7 year old Akido named Keating. Keating had a pronged collar around his neck, one of those restraining collars used for walking the dog and the sight of it caused DiDi to launch into an "I'm an animal lover and this is abuse. Do you watch Cesar Milan?" fixation. Apparently, she pissed Meredith off, which I didn't see but I was in the kitchen when she brought her do-good agenda in with Tim and the dog.

Now, Tim, in my opinion, is one of those easy going guys who always has a joke at the ready and is much more comfortable making light of any situation at hand rather than engaging head-to-head. Nothing wrong with that, just an observation. DiDi, however was relentless, tossing that accusation of abuse at him in regard to the collar around the dog's neck. Tim finallt told her he was really starting to feel offnded by what she was saying because he and his wife both love the dog and have been good masters to him for the past 7 years. Finally, Erich jumped in to tell his sister she was way out of line. It didn't change her opinion or her direction, of course (Pat) but she did manage to back away from directly attacking Tim somewhat. Her final statement after everyone walked out of the kitchen was - "Now, I guess they're mad at me for my little comments about abuse, huh?"

I told her everyone had different opinions about what constitutes abuse and that her dog, which is overweight, might constitute abuse by some people. She agreed. And I told her the bottom line is whether or not a dog is skittish around others, shies away from people or shows obvious signs of neglect or being beaten - none of which Keating has. And that it's not cool to just outright bash someone just because they're not raising a dog the way YOU want to.

And then I went and got some Trifle because in the end, that shit's good. We left soon after that and got back to the house somewhere around 10, put the kids to bed after a bit more blah-blah-blah and once again, I didn't get sex before drifting off to sleep.

The day really was a good day, though. All that other stuff aside, had a great morning with rish and the kids and the time we spent at Trish's parents' house really was a lot of fun. And now today is the 26th. Christmas has come and gone for yet another year.

Merry Christmas. New Year's Eve - coming up.

Almost there.

It's three days before Christmas.

I've got almost everything done I need to get done.

I think I'll copy one of my journal entries in this failed blog. How 'bout dat?

Working Overnight

Couple of points today:

1.) Trish called me late tonight to express some concerns regarding Nick and me and life in general. She's worried about Nick because she says he has no friends. I countered that with the statement that Nick does indeed have friends, he just doesn't have much interest in hanging out with them. The world is a very different place today than it was when we were kids - trish and I. There is no more, "Go ahead to your frind's house. Just be back before it gets dark." These days, it's a concentrated effort to get your kid somewhere, an effort that needs to be coordinated with whatever household he or she is going to. Nick has other interests, all told. He just doesn't seem to be overly concerned with spending time outside the house.

2.) My bank charged 70 bucks for having our account overdrafted for 2 hours, the mother-fuckers. I'm almost certain we have - or at least had - overdraft protection on our primary checking account so I need to straighten this out today, after I get some sleep. It was overdrafted 18 or 19 bucks and for that we got a 70 dollar charge? Eat my fuckin' ass.

3.) That same bank, our bank, is advertising a 30 yr., fixed rate mortgage loan at 5.2%. As far as I'm concerned - that's moving into the realm of acceptability for me to refinance. I'm probably gonna wait 'til Obama gets into office, though and see whether or not he'll actually make a difference for homeowners like me instead of dumping all the bail-out money into the corporations that lost it all to begin with. Reduce the interest rate. Let me keep paying my bills, including my mortgage, and let me do it at a better rate.

4.) I started putting together a photo album for Christmas. And i just put Bon Jovi's New Jersey album in for some audio fun.

Ok. That said, here's the question for the night.

What is something you do well?

I'd have to say my job. I'm not patting myself on the back, not really anyway - but when push comes to shove, I'm fairly decent at doing my job. Feedback to this end remains fairly consistant from all I work with - attendings, residents, fellow nurses, PCA's and E.D. nurses. Plus, I think the CNS's and even Maryfran agree to some extent.

Maryfran once said I was one of her best nurses. That was several years ago but I still remember it. It was one of those bittersweet snapshots in time where I was both very flattered and simultaneously self-effacing in terms of my inferior complex, believing her words to be false, serving some purpose I couldn't figure out to mock or belittle me. I can never figure out such a purpose when self-doubt like that flares up but that doesn't stop me from thinking it. Anyway, yeah.

I do my job well.

Empathy, maintenance of a safe unit, a secure unit, calling bullshit where bullshit needs to be called, teaching those who seek to learn and paying attention to lessons brought to me that have a legitimate point to them. I'm not intimidated - or rather, when I actually am intimidated, I'm able to temper it with an assertive mode of operation that is as non-confrontational as whatever personality is being directed toward me.

As I'm fond of saying - It's a free country and as such, anyone is free to take whatever potshots at me they feel are necessary and I'm free to respiond in kind. I've been punched, kicked, spit on, slapped, verbally abused, had knives and gun pulled on me and was able to resume control of the situation after each and every instance.

I've hit the floor many times but I have yet to lose.

So there you go.

I keep thinking I should take Nick to the Y today to practice his basketball. His coach gave him a paper with a practice move. And he needs to practice shooting baskets as well as feeling comfortable moving in to take the ball away from other kids instead of just letting it go. I really think it would be helpful for him.

Trying something new.

I went to a site to find writing prompts and I'm going to try and approach this horrinly failed endeavor from a different angle. I'll put up a prompt and bang out an entry, accordingly.

What is something you dislike about yourself?

Something I dislike about myself.

Settling on just one thing is probably the hardest piece of this little ditty. And as pretentious as that sounds, it's not untrue. There are quite a few pieces of myself I'm not happy with.

But the assignment is about some THING I don't dig. And this is supposed to be an honest blog, an honest countdown - so let's hit it the right way. One thing I really don't like about myself is the schedule i keep.

I work too much. I spend too much time outside the house. I miss too much of my children while they grow up and when i'm home, I feel like I have to make up all of the missed time and wind up getting frustrated and fighting with my kids and i don't want to do that. Not all the time - but even once feels like one too many.

Ok. Ice broken once again. Let's see how this goes.

Hey, Dad...

Did you see a Snicker's Bar in the sink when you got up and chew it up and then spit it all around the kitchen?

that was the question I heard from Nick today when i returned from the gym.

Apparently, nick had taken a Snicker's the night before after he was told not to by Trish and when she saw him chewing it, ordered him to spit it into the sink. When they got back from church today, there were pieces of it all around the kitchen.

the best we can figure is maybe - i pulled a dish or cup out of the sink and it was stuck to it. Somehow, it fragmented.

nothing else really makes any sense.

Fucked up profession.

I walked into the E.R. this morning to 2 patients in holding rooms. One was a guy who downed an overdose of pills prior to entering the E.D. Apparently, he walked in to find his girl-friend banging his room mate. He was being a dick when I got here, refusing an EKG of all things. So benign.

I had to read him the riot act within 3 minutes of starting my shift because shit needed to be done. One of the meds he took had his heart all stressed out and it needs to be monitored. Anyway, he consented. Such is life.

The second guy was trussed up in 4-point restraints. That means he had locked, leather cuffs on his wrists and ankles. He's a sex offender with a history of A/B on a police officer - wonderful specimen of society, eh? Apparently, he came in manic and took a bunch of meds while here to knock him down a few notches.

I took him out of restraints because he was sleeping - damn fool.

Just a follow up to yesterday.

An e-friend responded to what I'd written about Joe The Plumber as follows:

Everyone knows that in a capitalistic society (which by the way, Hong Kong is more capitalist than our current American market is) that there has to be a lower class.

Sure I believe in the American dream but to everyone who is 'scared' of higher taxes on the rich 5% are the same ones who believe that the poor are somehow lazy and inferior to them and fight the war for the rich and the corporations when there is little chance they will be seeing any of that money in a lifetime annually.

When you are in the 250K bracket THEN you have a legitimate argument, but discussing hypothetical situations and demonizing Obama for being socialist when our own government funded a Bush-proposed bail out plan for Wall Street is moot.

-------------------------

And my response was:

Every person who pays taxes in this country has a say. Actually and more accurately, every person who is a legitimate citizen in this country has a say, whether they make 0 dollars per year or billions upon billions.

And when you get right down to it and step away from the republican versus democrat debates that will always fly fast and furious, this isn't a demonization of Obama. The discussion here was generated because of OP's condemnation of Joe the Plumber - a working citizen of this country with a dream who asked a question on national TV. It just so happened that Joe was speaking to Obama.

And so, again, I'll put this out there - you or I, all of us "Joe" 's here in the U.S.A., who work our 9 - 5 jobs, hoping to pay our bills and put food on the table, dreaming of something that will take us one step ahead of where we are now and somehow, some way, realizing that there might be a way to actually make that happen if we take chance X. Is it appropriate for the government to look any of us square in the eye and say, "I wish you well but be forewarned, we will take more of your money should you succeed in order to make sure people who don't have the wealth you enjoy can share in some of your profit."

Is that ok?

That's a question we should all take to heart and contemplate. I know you've recently fallen on some hard times from your posts here, sword_. If you were suddenly struck with a lightning bolt of inspiration regarding a realization of a dream that would kick-start a lucrative business - would you be ok with the government pulling extra money away from you just because you happened to come up with a successfully implemented idea? And would you be comfortable with the government levying unforetold fines upon you if you failed to implement a pre-approved health care plan for your employees?

If the answer is yes, then there's no further need for discussion. If the answer is no, or you're not sure - then there's a need and an obligation for you to think about more than the basic Obama vs. Mc Cain bullshit that is thrown at us all, ad nauseum, via the media.

And no matter who proposed the bail-out plan, the bottom line is rather simple, in my estimation - we have a conglomerate of inept men and women at the helm of our country's leadership. And it was a fully heterogenous agreement inside the senate to pass what was proposed. It was neither fully republican nor was it fully democrat.

Everybody voted together to pass the proposed bill. 74 - 25.

Akaka, Daniel K. D-Hi. Yes
Alexander, Lamar R-Tenn. Yes
Allard, Wayne R-Colo. No
Barrasso, John R-Wyo. No
Baucus, Max D-Mont. Yes
Bayh, Evan D-Ind. Yes
Bennett, Robert F. R-Utah Yes
Biden, Joseph R., Jr. D-Del. Yes
Bingaman, Jeff D-N.M. Yes
Bond, Christopher S. R-Mo. Yes
Boxer, Barbara D-Calif. Yes
Brown, Sherrod D-Ohio Yes
Brownback, Sam R-Kan. No
Bunning, Jim R-Ken. No
Burr, Richard R-N.C. Yes
Byrd, Robert C. D-W.V. Yes
Cantwell, Maria D-Wash. No
Cardin, Benjamin L. D-Md. Yes
Carper, Thomas R. D-Del. Yes
Casey, Robert P., Jr. D-Pa. Yes
Chambliss, Saxby R-Ga. Yes
Clinton, Hillary Rodham D-N.Y. Yes
Coburn, Tom R-Okla. Yes
Cochran, Thad R-Miss. No
Coleman, Norm R-Minn. Yes
Collins, Susan M. R-Maine Yes
Conrad, Kent D-N.D. Yes
Corker, Bob R-Tenn. Yes
Cornyn, John R-Texas Yes
Craig, Larry E. R-Idaho Yes
Crapo, Mike R-Idaho No
DeMint, Jim R-S.C. No
Dodd, Christopher J. D-Conn. Yes
Dole, Elizabeth R-N.C. No
Domenici, Pete V. R-N.M. Yes
Dorgan, Byron L. D-N.D. No
Durbin, Richard D-Ill. Yes
Ensign, John R-Nev. Yes
Enzi, Michael B. R-Wyo. No
Feingold, Russell D. D-Wis. No
Feinstein, Dianne D-Calif. Yes
Graham, Lindsey R-S.C. Yes
Grassley, Chuck R-Iowa Yes
Gregg, Judd R-N.H. Yes
Hagel, Chuck R-Neb. Yes
Harkin, Tom D-Iowa Yes
Hatch, Orrin G. R-Utah Yes
Hutchison, Kay Bailey R-Texas Yes
Inhofe, James M. R-Okla. No
Inouye, Daniel K. D-Hi. Yes
Isakson, Johnny R-Ga. Yes
Johnson, Tim D-S.D. No
Kennedy, Edward M. D-Mass. NA
Kerry, John F. D-Mass. Yes
Klobuchar, Amy D-Minn. Yes
Kohl, Herb D-Wis. Yes
Kyl, Jon R-Ariz. Yes
Landrieu, Mary L. D-La. No
Lautenberg, Frank R. D-N.J. Yes
Leahy, Patrick J. D-Vt. Yes
Levin, Carl D-Mich. Yes
Lieberman, Joseph I-Conn. Yes
Lincoln, Blanche L. D-Ark. Yes
Lugar, Richard G. R-Ind. Yes
Martinez, Mel R-Fla. Yes
McCain, John R - Ariz. Yes
McCaskill, Claire D - Mo. Yes
McConnell, Mitch R - Ky. Yes
Menendez, Robert D - NJ Yes
Mikulski, Barbara A. D - Md. Yes
Murkowski, Lisa R - Alas. Yes
Murray, Patty D - Wash. Yes
Nelson, Bill D - Fla.L No
Nelson, E. Benjamin D - Neb. Yes
Obama, Barack D - Ill. Yes
Pryor, Mark L. D - Ark Yes
Reed, Jack D - RI Yes
Reid, Harry D - Nev. Yes
Roberts, Pat R - Kan. No
Rockefeller, John D., IV D - WV Yes
Salazar, Ken D - Colo. Yes
Sanders, Bernard I - Vt. No
Schumer, Charles E. D - NY Yes
Sessions, Jeff R - Ala. No
Shelby, Richard C. R - Ala. No
Smith, Gordon H. R - Ore. Yes
Snowe, Olympia J. R - Maine Yes
Specter, Arlen R - Penn. Yes
Stabenow, Debbie D - Mich. No
Stevens, Ted R - Ak. Yes
Sununu, John E. R - NH Yes
Tester, Jon D - Mont. No
Thune, John R - SD Yes
Vitter, David R - La. No
Voinovich, George V. R - Ohio Yes
Warner, John R - Va. Yes
Webb, Jim D - Va. Yes
Whitehouse, Sheldon D - RI Yes
Wicker, Roger F. R - Miss. No
Wyden, Ron D - Ore No

Take a look, man. There are both repubs who voted yes and democrats who voted yes. There are dems who voted no and repubs who voted no. This isn't a republican versus democrat issue. This is a citizen of the U.S. versus elected official of the U.S. issue. Our tax dollars are already being funneled into the black hole these same people have created and the effect has been... negative.

Washington does not have a clue how to fix a broken thing they created in the first place.

Obama doesn't. Mc Cain doesn't. Paulson doesn't. Frank doesn't. Pelosi doesn't. Bush doesn't. Biden doesn't. Palin doesn't.

None of them do.

And you wanna know what the worst part is, to me? They're all getting richer while this is going on - our elected officials. This economic meltdown isn't affecting any of them in a significant way, their lifestyle remains the same. So, to them, whether or not "joe" has to pay more taxes into the mess really doesn't matter. It's just more money pulled from your paycheck and mine.

There's a real and disturbing disconnect between the focus of the issues in this election - the focus of where we're going as a country and what we want as a people - and the ability of the populace to figure out where to put the blame for the wrongs we have been dealt. Where were all the financial experts 4 weeks ago when someone should have at least mentioned the fact that we were just maybe on the verge of financial collapse? The same "experts" who now say we should be prepared for a volatile Wall Street for some time to come?

Washington needs an enema, it needs to have the shit flushed out - and by that, I'm talking about the two-party, same-old, same-old "that's the only choice you have, America" falsehood perpetrated by the media time and again that is gobbled up by people trying to live their lives and pay their bills - lock, stock and barrel.

The world isn't ending and it won't, no matter who gets into the White House. But it is unfortunate, in my eyes, that the people of this country have become like sheep in that they eat whatever they're fed by the media and bleat it out like it was written in stone.

-----------------

And he got it, where I was coming from.

Anyway, such is life.

Joe the Plumber

Yesterday, a man asked Obama about his tax plans for people and businesses making more than a specified number of bills per year. Obama's answer was that he would be taxed extra to spread the wealth around.

The media and the Obama-lemmings went after him full force, attempting to tear him apart - because he asked a question.

On the forum I frequent, there was a discussion started about the event which started out with this -

"ROFL @ joe the plumber
http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/play...p/?cl=10234011
HE DON'T EVEN MAKE ANYTHING NEAR 250K A YEAR
HA HA HA HA AND LOTS OF THE DEBATE WAS ABOUT THIS GUY MAKING 250K A YEAR" - poster's name withheld.

What followed was a ridiculous assault on Joe for asking the question and for not making 250,000. Insane.

My response was as follows -

"It's a dangerous state of affairs in this country when a citizen asks a question of someone who is not only a politician, but a politician running for President of the United States - and he is summarily blasted by the media and all the other lemmings who have swallowed the pro-Obama pill just because they've been told it's the cool thing to do.

He asked a question. That's it.

Perhaps there should be some attention paid to the answer he received - that of taking money from him if he should be so successful and spreading the wealth around.

To me, that's a thought just as scary.

What "Joe" makes is irrelevant.

"Joe" is you and me.

"Joe" wants to make something of himself, right here in America, the land of opportunity and is being told that if he is successful in his endeavor, he will have his money taken from him to hand out to others.

That's ok with all of you who are blasting him for asking a question?

Where did the number 250,000 come from that Obama quoted? What if it starts there and then, suddenly, it's decided to be 150,000? Or 75,000? Maybe 50,000?

Are you going to tell me that it could never happen?

We just had our politicians meet and implement a financial bail-out plan for 700,000,000,000 dollars of our tax payments - our money, for those of us who work and pay taxes. That just happened what - 1 week ago? Two? Already there's talk about rearranging the plan, that the bail-out will amount to more than a trillion, etc., etc.

Think about what's going on here."

The state we're in here, in America right here and now, with the fanatical and blind fan-dom surrounding Obama seriously threatens to tear this country apart.

Taxed extra to spread the wealth around? Just because he happens to make a successful business? What's going on here?

Living The Truth

I started a literary, self-help journey of sorts today - or, at least that's what it's been coined by both Howard Stern and the author of the book himself. The title of the book is the same as that of this entry. It's all about finding the pain, disappointment and other various pieces of the past that we, as human beings, tend to repress, re-write in our own minds and / or otherwise "forget" in an attempt to extinguish anything and everything we either don't want to be a part of our selves or refuse to acknowledge as parts or ourself.

I'm an angry man and I tend to hide that anger (or try to) in often-lame attempts at humor, surface-type relationships without any attempt or ability to dive deeper, booze - and the funny thing just this second is how long it took me to actually write that word. I sat here for a few moments thinking about whether or not i wanted to write it, whether or not I thought it was actually valid and pertinent and important enough to put it down. I'm a whiskey drinker, not a booze drinker. I grabbed my Type O Negative flask this morning before I left and filled it with some George Dickel Bourbon so I'd be able to have a drink on the train ride home - and yet, right now, while i was sitting here writing this ntry, I had to pause in order to decide whether or not it was important enough to jot down booze as a means of coping. Anyway, that's the kind of thing I'm hoping to get to the root of, to accept who I am and why I do things the way I do. To identify the pieces of my personality that sit outside the concept of the ideal ME and face them while simultaneously facing the not-so-honest pieces of the ME I present to the world and telling them to get the fuck lost.

Damn. That's a tall order and I've got some work ahead of me. The author, Dr. Keith Ablow says up front he's going to make things worse before they get better (or at least stimulate enough emotion and self-exploartion to feel the lows more profoundly, I guess), if he's doing his part of the job successfully. Ok. I can handle that. I think I can, anyway. I expect that I'll confront past-demons I've avoided for years and probably decades. The payoff, I hope, will be a more positive outlook toward life, fatherhood, marriage, work and friendship. And actually, not just outlook - approach and involvement.

Friendship. Yeah. That's a word that used to hold such joy for me in the past, when I was a kid. And has taken on a surface meaning at best when it comes to my interactions with others as I've grown, if only because I don;t take the time to maintain and develop friendships outside of work or home.

I need to go pick up a notebook from the General Store. That'll help with the exercises.

Catch ya soon.

Tired of hairy boobs.

I shaved my beard yesterday. Quite a bit of hair tossed blithely into the trash.

Jackie hung out with me in the bathroom while I shaved and enjoyed playing with swome shaving cream during the process. She berated me for wasting the shaving cream when i shaved my face, hands on hips, etc. Apparently, my rants about not wasting anything in the house because I have to pay for it hasn't fallen on deaf ears. The fact I had some cream left on my hand after coating my face was enough for her to get on her high horse.

Anyway, the full bush of beard is gone and I'm back to the trimmed goat. I'll likely dye it again since the blonde is prevalent now and maybe, just maybe there's some gray peeking through. And I imagine I'll regrow it over the winter but at least, for now, I can enjoy my wife's soft skin without the intrusion of all that hair.

Yuck.



That pic above was taken at Blue Hills State Park. We went on a hike there yesterday and it was pretty damn nice. The countryside was absolutely beautiful once we reached the top. The kids had a ton of fun and I got to carry Grace for a while on my back. You can see the backpack in the pic. It was an experience having her in the pack while I climbed up the rocky hillside. It was a challenge, that's for sure and it got me thinking about doing some cardio at some point to improve the ol' ticker's health.

Trish was pretty psyched about the shave. She couldn't keep her hands off it and she kept kissing me. That was nice. I think she put her family up to telling me over and over how "nice" it looked, and how I looked "good". Whatever. Maybe that's tue and maybe it isn't.

I'm back at work today after a week off - and I'm not sure whether or not I'm really aware of the time off I just spent. It doesn't feel like I've been out of here for the pst week. I've gotta call Brian and find out whether or not he finished moving into his house. Trish is one week into her orientation and we spent a decent weekend with my parents on the 11th and 12th. All-in-all, lots of stuff done over the past week but none of it really registered as time off, I guess.

Such is life.

Hanging with Nick

Nick and i are in the den right now, waiting for my parents to show up. He's switching back-and-forth between Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's stone and the playoffs - Sox vs. rays. Hermione just tried to fix Potter's eye sight on the train ride to Hogwart's. She's so young in this one - it's really odd to think that there's an effort out there in the cyber-world to find nude photos of her. Life stands still for no one.

Anyway, i started a book the other day called The Real Shark texts, or something like that. It started out pretty decent and then took a nose dive. That's not to say the book's poorly written - just the opposite, actually. The author's British, so there's that small piece to get over but after you move past that, it's fairly well packed with intrigue. From what I've been able to get so far, some dude with a dissociative disorder is trying to figure out who he is because he wakes up at the beginning in an almost death state. I really have no idea where the book's gonna go because so much happened inside the first chapter - however, I felt my interest wane when it started to slant itself toward dissociative disorders and fugue states. Does that mean I'm burnt out on psych disorders and psych stuff? Who knows.

On the aside, I picked up a couple books from Barnes and noble the other day with a gift card from Kathleen and Ed and I wanted to start reading them. I put Shark Texts away for now, anyway and started reading Tommy Land - Tommy lee's autobiography. Hopefully, it'll satisfy.

I spent the last two days cleaning the house for my parents' arrival - and Trish just finished watching a game with her dad - hockey. She's on her way home.

There's a writing contest coming up. Short Shorts. Stories in 1500 words or less. Sooner or later, I'm gonna have to get my stuff together and begin writing again or else I'll have to start rethinking the whole, "I'm a writer" mantra I use online.

Time of Change

My wife started a job on Monday. It's the first time she's working outside the house for about 3 and a half years. We've spoken about this before, trying to figure out who would be the best person to start a new job in order to brign some extra cash into the house. Trish told me, while I was putting together a game plan, that she would prefer I stay home at least one day a week and spend time with the kids. She said that she would go out and find a job, that she would bring home an extra paycheck. Immediately, that started fights inside the house.

Why? That's the question I fought with internally immediately following our initial arguments. It didn't make sense. My reaction didn't make sense. Trish is a registered nurse. Trish has worked outside the house before and I think I'm used to her being home. My world has been solid while i was out earning a paycheck, without concern for what's happening at home. Trish has been here to take care of it.

So, why did i react with anger when she told me she had a job and was ready to start.

I think, at the core of things, I'm just a person who reacts in a knee-jerk fashion to anything that causes a change in my level of comfort and stability. Is that a sensational statement? No. I'd say that's just about par for anyone who enjoys building a life and a lifestyle and is able to glean security from putting a life together as such.

Now, on the flip side, I'm a psychiatric nurse who is known, for the most part, as someone who is able to adapt to whatever situation is thrown my way. I'm understanding of differences and open to varied, often sensational and bizarre events as a matter of course. So, why, when I'm presented with something in my own home that is outside the status quo, did i react in such a closed-minded way?

I need to explore myself. I need to start putting ideas like this down so I can reflect back when needed to expand my mind, expand who I am as a man to be a better person.

------------------------

The other day, I was joking around with Nick and i said something to him along the line of - Isn't it awesome to have a dad who's so patient with you and who never gets upset?

I was joking, of course but Nick's answer really hit home.

His face contorted to a look that basically said - WTF are you talking about? "No.", he said. And he wasn't joking.

We did have a few jokes go back and forth after that but his reaction remained stuck in my head. I need to work on who i am. I'm not the man I want to be.

Work Stuff

Today has been a helluva day at work. Two people here in APS hen I got here this morning. One was a drunk dude who wound up heading out of here a little after 8 a.m. The other is an 8 yr. old from N.H. who came in yesterday and is essentially a familial nightmare.

He's in the back right now with his mother and father awaiting DSS to either give the family their blessing and absolve them of all supposed sins, or they will remove the child from the parents' custody. It's a roll of the dice. Either way, I expect to get involved with both mom and dad before the end of the night in a not-so-friendly way.

Financial Crisis

Congress ran around screaming that the world was going to end if they didn't do something last week. In true Congressional fashion, they didn't do dick.

The world didn't end.

Now, they're screaming the world will end if they don't do something now. Will it?

The stock market dropped almost 800 points today. And that means... ?

My credit cards still work. My bank is still open (well, it was but it closed at 5).

Congress spent the latter part of the day arguing like children. That seems to be what they do best, no matter what.

I, for one, absolutely do not trust any of them singularly or all of them collectively to do anything worthwhile as far as assisting the country through ANY crisis whatsoever. All I hear is - "the democrats this and the republicans that" - waah, waah, fuckin' waah. I'd like to hear someone tell them to shut the fuck up and get back to work if things are that bad. Quit the interviews, quit the whining and complaining, quit being a bunch of bitches and get to fuckin' work.

And on a personal level, I'm not really sure there IS a financial crisis for someone like myself who lives within my means. There sure hasn't been any change whatsoever in my life from last week 'til this one - other than a Chicken Little who's yelling about the sky falling with a louder voice.

I'm glad the package was rejected. It can only mean one thing - someone, somewhere is paying attention to the fact that acting rashly just because panic hits doesn't mean that action will be worthwhile.

I work hard and pay my taxes. I do my part. I don't think I should be forced to pony up monumental sums of money to bail out some folks with insane wealth, just because they fucked up. I want to know more and understand how all the colorful pieces came together to create a broken picture. And I EXPECT Congress to do the same before tossing piled-high football fields worth of hundred dollar bills at it.

Couple things

There's a few points to hit upon.

1.) Job satisfaction - right now, it's at an all-time low. I just don't have much positive anticipation when it comes to the day before heading back to work, like today. People are more of a pain in the ass, if that's possible. I didn't get paid my OT last week and i hope it gets added in on Thursday.

2.) Tomorrow's a new resident day. The next batch of residents starts tomorrow and I have my welcome speech to give. I really dislike doing the public speaking thing and fret about it every night before i have to sit down with them. I really don't know why continue to agree to do this - aside from the inherently perceived placement it applies to my status as one of the RN's there.

3.) The onus of the economic crisis has laid a pall over the heads of just about everyone. Every time i hear one or more of our politicians on the air railing against the others, or god forbid - two pols from different parties arguing like kids, I'm forced to acknowledge the fear I hold knowing they are the ones working on "fixing" this mess.

4.) I'm heading off to the gym soon. Delts and legs. Can't wait. Oh, and Dexter Jackson won the Olympia yesterday. That makes me happy for 2 reasons: 1.) Dexter's always in insane shape and his form truly exemplifies someone who understand how to sculpt a beautiful physique. 2.) Jay's a soft, poorly put together pussy. Sad he ever won, never mind having won twice.

Ok. Grace needs something to drink. I'll be back.

From My Journal

I have no real idea when I wrote this entry I'm about to lay down, although the passage that follows this one in my journal says I'm 38. So, this was somewhere around 2 years ago. I haven't read through it prior to this, so I'll be re-reading while I'm typing. Just for the sake of clarity, I'm going to try and keep the text as close to the original as possible, although there's a chance I'll be doing a bit of on-the-fly editing, especially since I enjoy writing in my journal while I'm drinking and sometimes that leads to indecipherable entries, if taken at face value.

If I put some text within a set of brackets, like this - [ ] - that will invariably equate to added text / clarification I felt was necessary while typing.

------------------------------

I really see the world in a different light than when I was a teen-ager and in my young twenies. I can remember feeling what I proclaimed as a "love" for people, wanting to believe in the idealistic fantasy related to the inherent goodness of mankind. That was a hard sentence to write and a hard belief / ideology to revisit. Let me try again. Indulge me, please.

I used to believe, when young and inexperienced and quite naive, that people, in a universal sense, as referred to as humanity, were inherently and overwhelmingly good. [I must have been drinking while i wrote this because the grammar is atrocious, not to mention the lame attempt at trying to sound profound. I hope it gets better, or at least a bit better clarified as I go along.] It was on the micro-scale, the minutiae, the individualized basis where one would find the negative side of being human.

Today, my eyes are open and the blinders are off. I understand that for the good to show its face, it has to start with me. I also see the large gap in my belief of people as inherently good - that is, my general dislike in the individuals I've met. [Ok. I think that what I was trying to get at here had to do with my understandig that now, at this point in my life, if I want to count on the goodness of man, I should first count on myself to show it. What I believe to be dsplayed in this small paragraph is a hackneyed description of - you get what you give. And I think the end of it has to do with my difficulty in putting forth the caring side of myself because of the frustration I often feel dealing with the never-ending onslaught of shitbags I come in contact with. It's a hard job, dealing with difficult people and it's very easy to lose sight of the basic tenet of being a nurse - to care for those who need it.]

Back then, as a teen-ager in a relatively small New England town, young college adult in an ultra-liberal western MA town and subsequent entry into healthcare with the belief I was oing to do what no one else had been able to do - help those, REALLY help those, who needed it. I was going to change their world, give them vision, be involved, "love" them all in a sense and show them tghat someone really cared. [This paragraph interests me for a variety of reasons, although the most glaring of which is the combination ego-driven, all-me feelings I held back then as well as the innocent desire and drive to change the world for what I considered would be "the better". There was little-to-no wiggle room for argument. I had a vision of sorts and wanted to make it a reality.]

Except for one, small thing - I didn't know who these people were. I didn't realize some of them actually fed off the caring of others, like parasites. I didn't realize how often people in the real world lied or manipulated (or how good they were at it). I was innocently narcissistic, lookingback on it now - narcissistic in the sense of my youth and belief or extent of confidance in my abilities. [I guess what I was getting at here had to do with realizing now how inexperienced I was in my assertions of readiness to take on the worst the world had to throw at me. I believed I was unstoppable, the seductively aggressive effects of a system overflowing with testosterone. The narcissism mainly has to do with the unflappable belief of - if want to do it, then of course it will get done. Eh - youth.]

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Well, not all of the enries in my journal are this scatter-brained. I promise. I guess I was still getting my "sea legs", so to speak. This was apparently one of those relatively "indecipherable" entries. D'OH!

There will be more as time goes on.

Thanx for reading.

Lying in Bed

The other night, while I was putting together the second post about Nick's room, my wife was lying next to me, reading my words as I laid them down. She had a smirk on her face - not a nasty, cynical one but rather one of curious amusement.

"What's up?", I asked.

"I just don't understand you.", she said.

"Really?", I said. "What does that mean?"

"Just you. You're almost 40, married, have a respectable job and you're well respected. You're a father raising three kids, you have a house, a mortgage and yet, the top of your blog is a picture of you eating a whiskey bottle. You're like a teen-ager. I just don't get it."

"Oh. Not really sure what to tell you.", I said and went back to writing about Nick's room.

She laid there for a few moments and then wrapped her arm around my arm closest to her. "I love you.", she said. "So much."

I finished up the blog about Nick's room and then turned my attention to Trish, finishing off the night the way it should be.

Nick's Room 2

Ok. I got the pics uploaded.

I just left his room, actually. I worked all day today and plan on hitting the gym tomorrow before I go to work again. Bi's and Tri's. Hell yeah.

I just went into nick's room with Trish so we could talk to him and tickle him and hang out for a little bit. He's such a damn, good kid. Anyway, here's a little slideshow of the space-scape i put together for him while he was in Jersey for the week with my parents.



Here's what the expanse of ceiling looked like before I got started. Pretty boring. There are a couple of light sabres on the wall next to the area I'm going to transform.



There's his bed and the blank wall behind him. My brother John is in the Coast Guard and has traveled the world several times on his cutter ship, The Munroe. One of the flags from the ship was retired and John saved it to give to Nick. It used to hang on the dead space of the slanted ceiling and I decided it would be better suited for the wall behind his head board. Hell yes. Note the Diet fuckin' Coke.



The mobile Nick built of the solar system - and yes, Pluto is still part of it. y brother Mike and his wife, Agus gave it to Nick for Christmas in 2007. They were here for the holiday and helped Nick work on it.



Flag has been relocated and now, it's time to start painting.





Believe it or not, the ceiling looked pretty badass just the way it was with the black - but then again, I'm sorta partial to black. Trish came in and snapped a few pics of me whie I was painting. Looks like you need to trim down the ol' waist, old man.



I added clouds around the top of the room, sort of a make-shift border. You can't see it in the pictures I took, but i bought some glow-in-the-dark paint and slapped a ton of stars in the clouds so that when the lights go out or the black lights go on, there are stars everywhere along the top of the walls. Yes, that's a sword above his door - sword of death, I think it's called. There are a few weapons scattered about the room - sword of death, a Braveheart-type sword, a battle hammer and the light sabres.



Here's a prespective of the mobile against the black, along with one of the black lights and the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. They're not glowing in the pic but you can see where they are. Now, I'll put up the pics with the constellations, just so it's apparent how this thing turned out.







The last pic shows the Pisces constellation because my son is a Pisces. Unfortunately, i don't have any pictures of him actually walking into the room and seeing it for the first time but he stared and tears fell from his eyes.

"You're the best parents in the world.", he said. And let's face it, as a parent, that's probably the best thing you can hope to hear.

Peace.

Nick's Room

Ah, pretty decent day today. I got to sleep late this morning, which was exactly what i needed. Trish woke me up after she got the kids onto the bus and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast with her and her sister. i didn't. I wanted to sleep and she left, leaving behind a quiet house. I slept like a champ, opening my eyes at 10:50 to start my day. Excellent.

I got a few things done around the house and banged out a kick ass workout - chest and back. I'm still holding my own for an old man.

Anyway, Nick's room. Nick is my son, the oldest of my children. A year ago, give or take, he'd told me he wanted a Space and Sky theme applied to his room. I'd put together a fairly basic compilation of pieces over time, including a sparse scattering of glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling surrounding a planetary mobile he put together. I tossed a few trinkets around the room, like a lava lamp with an alien fetus in the center, a lightning disc, one of those Eye of the Storm globes and a black light mounted on the wall. But he needed something else in there, something to pull the room together and help to create an overwhelming sense of space inside.

One night about mid-Summer, i was laying on his bed while he was at his cousin's for a sleep over. i was looking around the room, trying to get a sense of what would pull the ambiance together, what it needed to bring out the space theme in a bold way.

The ceiling in Nick's room has an angled slant across from his bed and it was here my eyes kept returning. Something about that blank, square expanse was bothering me. It held the promise of a starscape, constellations, etc. It was decided that day I would transform the ceiling space in his immediate sight.

My mom loves every second she gets to spend with the kids. One of the things she wanted to do this summer was spend a week with the kids down in Jersey, minus Grace of course because she's not old enough yet. I took this as the perfect opportunity to do what I'd envisioned in Nick's room.

I thought I had the pictures in my computer to add to this post but i don't. Bummer. I'll have to see if Trish has them in hers and send them to my e-mail. Guess I'll finish this later...

The Yankees

My parents bid on a trip to Yankee Stadium and won. It was one of those charity deals, where a bunch of prizes were laid out and whomever showed for the event was able to walk around and put bids in on what they saw. Whatever money was collected went to whichever charity the function was held in honor of, I believe. Anyway, my mom put a bid in on a 4-pack of tickets to see the Yanks play Tampa Bay - complete with access to the Sony Stadium club and access to some exclusive restaurant inside the stadium as well. Big shot stuff - and she won.

My mom was born and raised in Queens, NY and my grandfather - her father - was a die-hard Yankee fan. She told me of the times she would go to the games with him and how much she loved being there as a kid. Time spent with her father - what kid doesn't like that? She hadn't been there for decades and when she entered the stadium, it was like a small piece of her from childhood woke up with bright eyes, beaming from ear-to-ear with a ravenous quest to recapture the thrill of yester-year.

Myself, I was a Mets fan growing up. I despised the Yankees, as all Mets fans do. And now, living in Mass., I suppose I'm supposed to continue despising them because of the Red Sox - but truth be told, I'm not much of a sports fan at all anymore. or me, the fun in the trip took on several angles.

I went with my son, that's the biggest piece. We had a fun ride down to Jersey, having left friday night around 10 p.m. after I returned from work and got some stuff together. We had a fun ride down, Nick watching a movie while i listened to the radio. Then about half-way through the ride, we started chatting and really had a decent time just trading words. I even got to tell him all about how Trish and I met, started hanging out together and later decided to stick it out for the long haul. He soaked it in, the beginning of the family.

We even got to stand side-by-side for a bathroom break - the first father-son pissing on the side of the highway deal we've ever done. Yes, history was made between us that night.

We had fun in Jersey also. It's a rare weekend together in Jersey that we don't enjoy the time shared. But anyway, Sunday was the game.

The first thing Nick said he wanted to do was wear his Red Sox jersey to the game. I told him he could if he wanted to but to think about this - New York fans have been known to be nasty toward Sox fans, even kids. I figured there'd be a good chance I'd wind up in a fight of some sort if he wore it, especially as the game drew on and people around us became increasingly intoxicated. Ultumately, he decided to scrap the jersey but kept his Red Sox necklace on.

Our seats were pretty, fucking amazing. I'd never been that close to the field, hadn't been to a game in fact for close to 30 years - decades, just like my mom. Down on the bottom row like that lent a whole, new perspective on the game. Several times the ball was hit, especially into foul territory, it came screaming at our area. And there were signs all around that warned of said foul balls - that may be standard these days at a ball field, but it's not something I remember from sitting in the upper tiers when i was a kid myself.




There are 7 games left at Yankee Stadium before it gets torn down. The new Stadium is there, right across the street the old one and it looks like a Roman Coliseum.

So, the game. It was almost 90 degrees out and sunny, which kicked ass. There hasn't been near enough sun this summer, so sitting in it for 3 hours was a welcome endeavor - even though I got burnt to a crisp. Whatever. My son boo'ed everything the Yanks did for the first two innings, something i was sure was going to draw the ire of those around us. It didn't though, and after several texts to Trish about the day thus far, Nick was given the ok by Poppy (Trish's dad) to root for the Yanks because he wanted the Devil Rays to lose. A Yank win / Devil Ray loss would inevitably help the Sox advance. And that made the trip all the better because now, nick was able to really get into the game.



Yankee History was made that day. Derek Jeter tied Lou Gehrig for the number of hits made inside Yankee Stadium and the place went berzerk. He tied it in style, smacking a home run over the wall - even though his next at bat proved fatal in terms of actually breaking the record as he hit a ball right into a double play. Nevertheless, with the entire stadium on their feet, all 54,300 of us chanting "DER-EK JE-TER!", I had to reflect upon what it must have felt like, for him, to hear everyone chanting his name in unison - a kid who dreamed of playing Yankee Stadium now being celebrated in about as fantastic a way as could be imagined. It was hard not to get caught up in the emotion and momentum of the event.




Nick even wound up wanting a Jeter jersey after the game was out and I picked one up for him outside our parking garage from a street vendor. All around, it was just a decent, family day. That's my mom with him, by the way.



We shot the shit with the guy selling the shirts and he gave nick a free hat, which was awfully decent of him. And in turn, Nick gave the hat to Jackie, which was jusy as nice. Grace got to keep the stuffed bear they were handing out at the gate, a pin-striped white bear with a Yankee Stadium patch. A collector's item, for sure - not that that really matters. Grace was just happy to have the bear.

Couple of pics from inside:





The last one shows how close to the field we were.

Yanks won, 8 - 4.



And I won, for having the opportunity to spend such an awesome day with my son.

Jackie's Room

Awhile back, before Summer, anyway - I set out to transform my middle daughter's room from the drab and dreary yellow it was to something bright and fun. She's 8 and I'd asked her several times about what she'd like to have as a room theme since I'd already taken my son's room and began a Space and Sky Theme, and each time I asked, she'd said she wanted an Ocean or Underwater Theme.

I did some research on the internet, browsing both pictures of what others had done for their children along these lines, as well as various sites where I could purchase pieces of underwater imagery to include. In the end though, I settled for my own ideas, coupled with a few trips to places like Christmas Tree Shops and Spencer gifts to put together the look I had in my head. The result was, well - she loves it.

And here it is:



You can see how just plain UGH her room was. No inspiration whatsoever. It's enough to make your brain feel as though it's turning to mush.



The bed was a little better, I guess. At least there's some color and texture involved. Kind of like an oasis within all that drab.



This was the other thing - too much dead space. She deserved better. The plaster patches were part of the fix-up. Yes, she'd been living with cracks and holes in her walls.



And here she is, allowed to come into the room for the last time before I started painting, etc. She wanted one, final look out the window with her room the way she remembered it. I'm no Ty Pennington - but the difference is night and day...



Step one. The window wall. Just this alone took the room to a new level. I could already see life beginning anew within that one, small change. It made the room feel both vibrant and energizing - which just made me want to plow ahead with the rest of the task.

























And now, for some pieces and a theme-coordinated bedset to enhace the look. Note the Diet Coke. Hell yes!



Dead space? No more.














How did she like it when she walked in? Let's take a look.





One of life's joys at this point in my own, is the ability to bring joy to my children. When it hits, there is nothing to equal that feeling of self-satisfaction. This pic sums up whatever i need to know about whether or not I did good by her.

And that's it for this post. There's quite a bit more catching up to do, though - and quite a bit of investment I still need to commit in order to make this countdown something like what I intended it to be.

From the journal...

Well, even though I haven't been faithful in terms of posting stuff here in this blog - I've been jotting stuf down in a journal whenever I've had the chance. The result is quite a bit of hand-written entries that haven't been transferred to my blog. Whatever.

I figure now's the time to jot an entry down. A small one, because I'm t the Cape for the night and I'd like to relax for a little bit before bed. I was hoping to sit outside for a bit, soak in a little o the nice, night air - or something along that line - but it seems I'm gonna finish up with this entry, maybe read a few pages and crash. Point of reference - these entries are usually done at one or more of the bars I enjoy hitting after work, before I head home. I'm not sure where I wrote the one below.

This entry did not have a date attached.

- Some people are lucky enough in life to never understand what it means to realize just how vulnerable we are, all of us, to the reality of danger in life. Even those who have a grasp of the concept of our mortality - the knowledge that we are but flesh and bone, susceptible to unexpected or split-second moments where our safety and comfort are violated - even those who get that but have never experienced it, are lucky. Why? Because without the actual experience of an unwanted or unexpected attack on one's person, there remains a certain level of innocence in one's life.

And when you get right down to it, there are certain forms of innocence which are precious to still lay claim to as time passes on. Shedding some forms of innocnce are necessary.

But some - some are precious. -

Actually, now that I'm rewriting the above, I believe I wrote that while at the bar in Quan's Kitchen while I was waiting for my dinner. Good Chinese food, as far as Massachusetts is concerned.

Long pauses.

It's been a while since the last time I dropped a few words here - and this is going to be little more than a perfunctory entry, seeking to break the lapse I've once again established.

I've done a ton of journal writing by hand - and I really should get some of that down in this blog thing. Then again, is this blog even worth it? Who knows?

Work

It's Saturday and I'm at work. There are no patients right now, which is nice because I've been able to search for a small car to save on gas costs, browse properties in Florida and check with a couple of mortgage companies about combining my home and HELOC under a 20 yr. note. I'd really like to get away from countrywide Mortgage since they're merging with Bank of America but right now, they're still offering the best rate. Bank of America, for clarification, offers loans to illegal aliens - and I disapprove of this for several reasons, not the least of which concerns fees, especially when one or more of them skips out on a loan. That drives me insane.

I came in this morning to 2 patients, one of which was a depressed gentleman. He slept until he left for the hospital. The other one was a 19 yr. old mentally retarded girl who lost her shit last night. Today, she was perfectly well put together. Mom came in and picked her up to take her home. No harm, no foul. I'm not sure just HOW retarded she was, but if she was retarded enough to know she is retarded, I'd say it's understandable for her to have a flip out or two.

So, I had a decent thing happen the other day while here. I got an unexpected follow up on a girl I'd taken care of 3 years ago. I didn't even remember her until she came in - and even then, she remembered me and after thinking about it for a bit, it came back to me.

I first saw her 3 years ago, aged 17, brought in by police for drugs and having run away from home. It came out while she was here that she was involved with a gang. Mom and dad were nowhere to be found and she was supposed to be living with her grandmother, who really couldn't do much in terms of keeping her under control. The gang pretty much ran her life. She prostituted herself, most likely for the benefit of the gang. School was non-existant. Drugs, like I said before and for all intents-and-purposes, she was living on the street.

We put her into the hospital because her life had spiralled so far out of control and apparently, it was helpful for her. I don't really remember much of what went down between us when she was here the first time, although we must have had a decent set of interactions because she felt comfortable with me when she showed up this time.

We got called out to the ambulance triage to find an irate black woman on the stretcher, handcuffs being removed as we entered the bay. She kept screaming about how wrong it was that she was taken to the hospital, that she didn't belong here, that she didn't do anything wrong, etc. All stuff I've heard a thousand times over so it didn't mean much. According to the EMT's, she'd been sent in by the cops because she was out of control and had assaulted an officer. Ok. Fair enough. Several of us - myself, Police / Security / EMT's and the doc with me, tried to get her to calm down, which really wasn't all that successful. She did respond fairly well to me in the end, which was good. She told me she remembered me from the first time she was in and knew that I'd take care of her. That was helpful. I told her I would listen to what she had to say and we'd try to work it out as quickly as possible. I told her that when someone was sent in by the cops, we had to see that person, end of story.

We made our way back to one of the bays because I still wasn't sure how this was going to play out. She was cooperative at that point, but hell - she could snap back into her freak out mode at any point. That's the nature of the beast.

When we got to the bay, she immediately launched into a tirade about how she'd been treated at her home, how the cops had mistreated her and that she wanted to leave - stuff I'd heard from people more times than I can count. Nevertheless, there are rules and regs for the unit and they need to be followed - so I told her she would have to get changed and that most likely, I would be drawing labs/blood work. Well, this set hr off to no end, yelling and ranting at me about how the last time she was thee, she had to get changed and then she wound up in a hospital. She called me "dog" three or four times and refused. I sat down with her at that point and let her know - the unit operates under rules that need to be followed. I would do my best to get her seen as quickly as possible so that we could wrap things up for her as quickly as possible, however if she was not going to cooperate, it was oing to take a helluva lot longer because I wasn't moving to the next step until the basics were done. I reinforced that chning her clothes this time didn';t mean she was automatically going into the hospital like last time. Anything further still had to be determined. She then told me that she was 6 mos. pregnant.

I put it up to her again how she wanted to handle it and she changed. When she was done, I went in and sat down so we could talk.

I suck at this.

Well... I intended to write in this daily, figuring it would be the perfect way to get my fingers moving on the keyboard again, on a consistent basis. Unfortunately, this new habit of procrastinating has a tighter hold on me than I originally thought.

A while back, when I was writing all the time, I'd read that the best way to be a writer was simply 'to write'. Since I was already doing so, I remember thinking - well, that's pretty self-explanatory, isn't it? Now that I've been having difficulty with keeping up, I have to say - it's not as easy as it once sounded.

I've got a bunch of stuff jotted down in my notebook - stuff I want to transfer over to this blog thing and i need to sit down, shut the fuck up, get off the web forums and do it. That's what kills me -the time I spend on The Misc. It's addictive and it's inane and it eats up so much time - but I love it.

I'm waiting to get out of work today so I can down a few drinks. Hopefully, Clarke's will be open when I get out of here.

DMV

I called out from work today because my driver's license had expired and I needed to get it renewed so I could drive legally. I look a little retarded in the pic they took. Oh well. I went with Nick to the DMV and the whole time I was there, all I could think about was how the place truly resembled something akin to a human-processing-station. Humans entered, en masse, seeking validation for their existence behind the wheel, cartin along documents and checkbooks in order to reach an equilibrium with societhy and society's rules.

Apt on one hand, ridiculous on the other.

Free drug paraphrenalia.

I got to work this morning and sure enough, there were free pens and free staplers. The pens boast the drug name Provigil, a wonderful "awake" pill that works despite the fact it's not an amphetamine. The shit is good.

The stapler comes filled with staples - those drug companies think of everything - and it sports the name, Rozerem. I have no idea what drug that is or what it does but learning about it is now on my To-Do list for the day. It's funny, in a quixotic way, for the government and society in general, to demand a drug-free society in one breath while simultaneously advertising company-made drugs along every venue possible. But whatever, that's not what I want to focus on here.

Full day of work today and apparently, the Celtics won the title last night. I'm hearing now that there's supposed to be a parade tomorrow, Thursday to congratulate them. Eh, sports. I really have no interest in them.

So, what am I doing with this post? Contemplating fatherhood? Marriage? Work? Booze? Upcoming summer parties? Twizzlers? Sleep? The gym?

I'm reading a book by John Grisham called The Partner and it's ok. Definitely not his best work but at least it's been able to hold most of my attention. It's not one of those books where I find myself postponing things in order to pick it up and read just a few more pages but it helps pass the time on the train. When Grisham's on, he's a damn, good writer. When he's not, stuff like The Partner get published - and it gets published, I'm sure, because of his name, not because of any real merit concerning the story.

I just finished the bottle of Diet Coke I'd started a couple of nights ago while I was doing the overnight shift. Time to open another.

Working again.

Well, tonight was supposed to be a night off for me but I had a feeling I'd get a call asking me to come in since there was no Psych. RN scheduled. Sure enough, it came in mid-afternoon. I agreed after a small nap and a short trip to the gym. I worked my back, to finish off the workout I cut short on Saturday.



There's only one patient here so far, a drunken ex-con who came in saying he was suicidal. Apparently, at some point during the day, when his suicidal statements weren't getting him very far, he switched his complaint to being homicidal.

--------------------

Wow. I thought this was lost when the computer I was using crashed. Pretty cool about this auto-save function.

Anyway, I've been delinquent from this endeavor for the last day or two. I'm spending way too much time on that website forum - bb.com/misc. It's addictive because it's so irreverent, nasty and devoid of any respect. Yet somehow, I've been able to crack my way in there and build a fairly decent foundation of folks who respond well to me. The conversations are ridiculous, for the most part and the mean age is far below my own but that doesn't matter.

Anyway, why don't I end this old post and start something new, eh?

Copy / Paste

I work between 50 - 60 hours a week. I've been working like that for the past 11 years, give or take.

I'm married. I have 3 kids. My wife stays at home to raise them.

I have days where I feel as though I want to curl both hands in to fists and smash every living being within fifty feet of where I stand, especially when they're drunk or high, don't work and are collecting money from welfare. That comes with the territory. It's my chosen profession.

But I grit my teeth when the going gets tough and swallow my anger because I made a commitment to my family - to pay the bills so my wife can raise our children. That's my lot in life. I'm a grunt and unless I win the lottery or sell a book that is well received and opted for movie rights, it will continue to be my lot in life. I accepted that long ago.

We live well. We rarely want for material things. And I spend my time off with my wife and children.

When I have the opportunity to look at the time I spend at work from that perspective, i realize it's ok. And even if it's not always ok for me, it's always ok for my kids - because they're happy and comfortable and have never faced a harsh reality of life without food or light or clothing or heat. I can live with that. No matter how bad it sometimes gets - I can deal with my lot in life to help keep them comfortable, living in an area that's relatively safe, with an amazing mother who works hard to teach them what's right and wrong and is always there to reinforce those lessons taught.

edit: Almost forgot - I'm old and most of you in [insert web forum I post in here] aren't...

Take some time while you're young and single to travel, even if it's just a few towns away. Camp out, even if it's in a hotel or the back seat of your car. Spend some time searching inside yourself to figure out what's important to you and what's not. Write your ideas down so you'll be able to reflect at will. A few words or a few pages - record your thoughts. You'll all, eventually, come to some conclusion about how you want to spend your time. Work then, to make that your reality.

Not everyone will be rich in terms of money - but you can be rich in terms of fulfilling whatever ideas you have regarding the life you live.

------------------

This was a post I made earlier this morning on a web forum where I'm a member. It was heartfelt and well received.

I still need to post up an introduction. Grrr.

My brother is on a plane right now, headed back from Bahrain after a year deployment in the Middle East and Africa. Can't wait to see that little bastard. He's got a few demons to wrestle when he gets home, though and I feel sorrow for him on that point. Of course, I'll be here for him when and if he needs me.

Welcome home, brother.

Good Day.

Today was dedicated completely to my kids and truth be told, days like that don't happen very often. My daughter had a softball game this morning at 8 am. Woke up to see her play, including her first sttempt at pitching. She did fairly well, all told - needs some practice to loosen up. She was really trying hard. I was proud of her for sticking in there, no matter what. Stuff like that is what helps build the confidance she needs.

Also had a full Father-son day, thanx to a get together planned by my son's school. We spent almost 6 hours together hiking various trails at Moose Hill State Park, had lunch, played catch and cooked S'Mores over an open fire. We were supposed to do some guided stargazing as well but it started to drizzle and the cloud cover forced the planners to cancel that part. I grabbed a schedule from the place before we left and it turns out they do a few family nights of stargazing, so we should be able to attend one during the Summer, at some point. That'll make Nick happy, being that he's so interested in the idea, concept and information concerning space, stars and the planets. He was kinda bummed that the stargazing was cancelled but overall, he had a good day with me. Hanging out with him only helps reinforce the fact I have a really decent kid.

So, I think one of the things I need to do eventually, is introduce myself properly - who I am and who my family is so that it all starts to come together as a piece of writing, rather than just a bunch of scattered thoughts and observations. I'm at work right now so I'll work on that a little later, if I have the time. At the moment, I have the ability to get a post in before midnight so I'm taking it. I'd really like to get at least one post done each day up until my 40th birthday.

Right now, I have a rapist in one of the bays with State Police guarding him. They unleashed the K-9 units on him when he tried to flee and the dogs tore his leg open. He'll be sutured and then discharged to go to jail. He ain't passing GO and he ain't collecting 200... although on second thought, this is Massachusetts. He actually might make money off this, given the political climate within this state.

Also, I have a psychotic man in my waiting room who believes the government is after him for something. I didn't get much of the story but all-in-all, it's a rather universal glimpse into the life of a paranoid and delusional man. On deck is a drug addict who is in the process of being medically cleared. I just caught the basics a moment ago - sounds like crack and alcohol on top of his diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia. Supposedly, he is suicidal as well but we'll wait and see exactly what that means. He'll be here soon, under my care.

And that's it for the moment. If things remain somewhat open for me to jot down another entry later, I believe I'll try and put together an intro. If I can, I guess I'll try and do an update on the pups I have here as well.

Oh yeah - today was Vic's birthday. Happy birthday, my friend. I have to call you tomorrow.

My Birthday.

I started writing this last night at a bar in Foxboro. It's a Chinese Restaurant on Route 1, the name of which escapes me.



I'm not really sure what my goal is with this blog, other than to chronicle the last year of my 30's. Maybe something will evolve over time, maybe not. Either way, I imagine it'll be fun to look back at some point in the future and see where I was, where I believed I was headed and how well I did by way of my family, my job and ultimately - myself.



It seems I started writing 15 mins. after the clock struck 12 midnight, so without further ado - here is entry number 1...



So, this is it - 39. I turned 39 about 15 minutes ago. This is my final year in my 30's and I suppose, if I'm able to take the time with this, it'll be fair for me to transcribe my time up to the age of 40. What would be the reason to jot these little life blurbs down, overall, aside from my desire to pick up one again with my writing and keep it going, no matter what?



Things that come readily to mind:



1.) Information for my kids about what I do everyday after I leave the house. I imagine they'll have to be a bit older before they actually read this, although I have the option to edit pieces of it if there's something I want to share, eh?

2.) A way for Trish to get the same info.

3.) Introspection. A necessary piece of growth that could potentially provide an interactive within which others would be able to comment - and of course, if anyone reads pieces of this and decides to chime in, that could help even more.

4.) My profession is fucked up. It's not normal and it'll help to open up about it.

5.) The way my profession has progressed is important, actually. People in general really are affected by it, when push comes to shove.

6.) I'm a fuckin' schlub.

7.) I meet and work with some fascinating people - homeless, famous, politicians, rich, poor, public servants, inmates, deviants, etc. That'll all come out over the next year.



... and that's where I left off last night. Not much but it's a start - and a start is exactly what I need.



Anyway, my birthday was decent, all told. Slept late, spent time with my family, spoke to folks on the phone. I got a little sun, hit the gym for a damn good workout and went out to dinner with Trish and the kids. Very decent. And no sooner did I start this blog thing than Trish turns to me and says, "Just don't include anything in there about our sex life, ok?"



That's something I will explore throughout the year, as well. This overwhelming urge on the part of my wife to try and yank me under control, no matter what, to some degree - even though it does not work.



- sigh -



Anyway, tomorrow's a day filled with activities related to the kids. Jackie, my middle daughter has a softball game in the early morning. I have to hit the gym after that and then I have a Father-son day of Nature Exploration to attend with Nick, my oldest. Time like this I don't get enough of.



Then, I'm headed to work for an overnight shift. Fun, fun, fun...